Cheesecake vs Summer

It all started with an oversight or maybe it was better to call it a lapse in judgement. She wasn't the most tech savvy, after all. It had taken her weeks to buy a laptop for herself. Reading all the specs and all these reviews had netted her no further knowledge on the subject because the alphabet soup meant nothing. 3.4 GHz and SD DDRM and she was seeing double so she'd just bought the pretty blue one and called it good enough. It had a screen. It worked well enough to get into her blog and it had keys to pound and it could do Twitter and Facebook and all that social media garbage that was so expected these days. She'd never bothered to remove that notification. She'd never even thought about it because the more distance she put between the memories of Boston and then Louisiana, the more May through August felt like a distant dream. She'd hit the denial stage and thrown herself headlong into that. When the anger had come, it had been in the ring against Kesley Spencer and the PAW crowd had eaten it up. They'd wanted her to be fierce – they'd eaten it right up. They wanted her to be as fiery as her hair and she didn't know the first damn thing about it but jumping into the deep and doing her best to keep from drowning had always been her thing. So she'd milked it and had started winning, started gaining a following, started finding traction to move out of the mental rut she'd been in.

She'd settled into a better routine. She'd moved in with Vinny and had completely torn the pages from her book - those three months hadn't happened. She'd relocated to Charlotte and the movers were coming on the weekend with the rest of the boxes but it didn't matter because it was already like a honeymoon of sorts. It was a new beginning with different walls and different smells and his sweater was packed in a box that was stuffed in the closet that didn't really matter because it didn't smell like him anymore.

And then his name popped up on her notifications. Almost four months and she'd convinced herself it was over. There was nothing left.

Nope. Nothing at all – well, except everything – the weight of those buried emotions slammed into her like a Mack truck.



Her heart sank. Her chest ached. Her hands shook and she had to look at it. She had to see and then she was typing a reply and it hadn't even been more than a minute but that burning desire was there and it matched the burning in her eyes. He replied. Right away. Dropping a sort of pet name she didn't remember him ever using before, one that made tears fill her eyes right away.

Kiddo.

Jackson used to call her that. WBR used to call her that, right after he tousled her hair or gave her a fake punch on the shoulder. That wasn't the sort of name you dropped on someone you- "no," she mouthed the word. He wasn't back for her. That much was clear. He wouldn't have posted some random message in the aether of the Internet if that were the case. A little after midnight and here she was, crying her eyes out over her ex-boyfriend. Was he even that? Maybe she'd done the same thing she'd done with Lex. Maybe they were just friends – with benefits – and she'd imagined the rest. Maybe what happened in London was just a dream. Maybe he'd never actually said he loved her. Maybe she'd said it first. She couldn't remember and now it seemed like it was vital information.

She texted Kelsey because she didn't know what else to do and the panic was setting in. She hadn't even registered that Vinny was watching her from the doorway. Her eyes were locked on the phone, on that tiny screen and she was flipping back and forth between windows, begging Kelsey not to say anything. The conversation turned private, and she was struggling to figure out the tone, looking for the subtext behind every word that he sent and the tears were falling steadily. Hot and ugly but she just laid down on the couch, letting them run in her ears.

He didn't come back for you.

That truth was there in every word, smacking her in the face and she hated herself for feeling this low. Within a few messages, she was almost begging him for some scrap of feeling and it was like that first dinner all over again, all those awkward missteps until she felt like she'd completely blown everything.

Kiddo. Fucking kiddo. What does that mean? Is that affection? Is that him slapping on a label? Is that him putting up the wall again, shoving you back to arm's length?

"Goddamnit," she swore, biting her lip because the way she'd said it in that moment was the same way Ak had done so many times. That sheer frustration in her voice and she hated herself so damn much right now. Nothing had changed despite how it looked on the surface. She was still twisted up, still head over heels for the latest guy who hadn't bothered to stay.

You deserve better.

Those words cut deep. She knew they weren't true. She was garbage through and through. Vinny deserved better. He deserved someone who could love him with their whole heart, not pine after the asshole who would always up and leave whenever it suited him.

Kelsey had stirred the pot and nothing had come of it. She still didn't know if the man on the other end of that conversation was struggling just as much as she was. He'd agreed to meet her when he came back to the States and for the moment that had to be enough.

"I can't do this," she whispered, pressing the phone against her chest as she tried to get a handle on all those emotions she'd done her best to bury since August. From the corner of her eye she thought she saw something but when she looked up the doorway was empty.

She was alone.


[REC.]

"I was part of something once. Something bigger than just little ol' me. Something bigger than a singular entity, a damned nothing nobody like me. And I know, I do. I know that things change. I know they don't stay the same and the world spins around and day fades to night and back again but I just thought this one thing was so great that it wouldn't follow that same natural course. I was wrong. Get used to it. I'm wrong a lot."

Kasey Summers sat in a wrestling ring, her back against the ring post. Her face was scrubbed clean of the makeup she usually wore, her red hair in twin braids over her shoulders under a black knit hat with cat ears on it. Her eyes seemed red-rimmed behind the glasses, like she'd been crying or not sleeping enough.

"Places close. I know that. So here I am, sitting in the middle of this ring because it's the only damn thing that hasn't conspired a thousand ways to hurt me – I know how dumb that sounds too. I got hurt in a ring just like this, after all. I don't blame the ring for that. I don't blame the ropes or the fans or the air quality in Minneapolis. I don't... that was all on me. I fucked that up. I landed wrong. Me. That was all me so that's why I'm here. In the center of this place that used to mean something. Living in the moment like I'm about to get Carpe Diem tattooed on my fricken forehead or something and that's what it boils down to. Sitting here in the middle of something that was mine. Ownership is a funny thing, isn't it?"

Her voice was low, filled with anguish, and strained as she tried to pull back her emotions. She licked her lips, shaking her head.

"Right now I feel like a fool, pretending to be something I'm not – I might have been doing this for an awfully long time but I'm still... I'm no seasoned veteran. Longevity doesn't mean a lot when you've been spoonfed opponents and worked in places well below your skill level. Sure, I was the Rocky Mountain Champion within a handful of matches in Rocky Mountain Pro. We worked in rec centers and high school gyms. I don't rest on that laurel. I also faced Laurel Anne Hardy once. I got my head busted open by Annie Dupree in a hardcore match. I wrestled a single match in Sin City Wrestling and Exodus Pro. I broke my neck in Minneapolis on March 14, 2015. It was a sold out show and still have nightmares about the sound of the crowd. They went dead silent."

She shuddered. "Right. And like I've only been back from injury since May. I was out for a little more than a year and my career almost ended. How do you find the wherewithal to get back in the saddle without being afraid? I learned a better ground game because being in the air has lost its appeal. If anyone knows how to fix those yips, please tell me because I'm drowning here. I'm in too deep. I can't..."

She stopped talking for a few seconds, taking a deep breath.

"The only person who gets to hold the pen, who's going to write my story is me. I know that. I'm in control. I'm the driver, not the passenger and I'm the one who gets to decide the future. I'm ready for this match. Starlight was just a warm-up and I won. I did it without hesitation or flinching and I did it without... it wasn't because you said you were going to be watching. I feel like I have everything to prove right now. You're probably going to tell me I don't. I'm just being dumb. I know that. I do. I just can't help myself. I was doing this before I knew you existed and I just can't..."

She bit her lip.

"Four years ago I was breaking records. I was kicking all the ass and people were in awe and now I'm sitting here barely able to string together a logical sentence. That's what you have to look forward to Cheesecake. You crash and burn enough times and you too can be a spazz like me. But wait, if you act now, we'll throw in bitterness and regret at no extra charge!"

Kasey sighed.

"Okay, here's what I know. Humanity is all about pain and wounds – we all have one. Low self-esteem that makes us post nudes online 24/7, hunting those little red explodey hearts. Sexual frustration that makes a guy act a fool, picking fights over nothing. Life is bullshit. It's rarely fair and it's taught me that nothing ever lasts. It's fleeting. People go when you're not ready for that and they don't owe any explanations. This business is the same way. You fall, you fail... they don't owe you anything. They don't have to cheer for you. They don't have to buy your shit or watch you stagger you way through a 15 second joke of a match. They don't owe you shit – this ring doesn't feel a thing even when you splatter your inside juices all over it. That's the sad, sad truth that should humble you right now, Cheesecake. This business is a revolving door. It's a centrifuge, spinning and spinning faster and faster until all the good and bad are separated. You may sink. You may rise to the top. It keeps spinning either way and that's your definition. I hate who I was in Pure Amusement Wrestling. I don't know who that person was. I don't recognize her when I go back and watch the tape. The screaming. The violence..." she trailed off.

"Watching it back now is humbling but I force myself to do it almost every day. I do that so I don't repeat it."

She shook her head, averting her eyes. "You know Kelsey. You trained with her. You know how good she is. How sweet and kind and... I never meant to hurt her. I am so ashamed. I don't know why, but I am. I'm too ashamed to put the words out there. I can't make myself say them. I can't admit what I did even though she already forgave me. I'm not going to blame others. No. I did it. I'm the bad one here. I deserve what I get by admitting this to you. I hurt your friend. I had no reason to but I did it anyways."

Biting her lip, Kasey paused again. "All I know right now is that life is about living. Actually doing it, not just going through the motions. Last night I went for a walk and it snowed just a little. I didn't mind the cold because there was a warm hand in mine. Somehow, inexplicably, he's still here. I haven't managed to fuck it up yet. I haven't managed to drive him away. I haven't managed to kill myself in the ring yet. I haven't managed to do a thousand things and that's why I'm still here. That's why I still go out there every time I'm booked in a match and give it everything I have in the tank. I can't dog it. I just can't."

She closed her eyes. "I have people who love me. I don't know how. I don't know why but there's still here for the time being... at least for a little while. Sometimes life is one of those fucked up night terrors that haunts you. Warped reality. Sometimes you luck out, and get that dream that doesn't fade upon waking. You ever have those? The ones that leave you with a smile on your face for the whole day? Yeah. Like those. And maybe someday I'm going to wake up in the dark with the other side of the bed ice cold. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Again."

She was staring at the ring on her finger. "Listen, the bottom line is this: I've had my fill of death and rejection, of all these goddamned false starts and abrupt closures. I... I can't do that anymore. I won't be the forgotten, the misbegotten, or the misfit any longer – I deserve that spotlight. I deserve to get something more than a damned kick in the lady balls every time I turn around. I'm so used to that. Being left behind. Being cheated on. Waking up in the morning, cold and alone. I don't care how this sounds, or how you perceive me for saying it. I know that my nature is to strike out. I went to him to learn that, after all. He pushed my buttons. He taught me well and now I know that I am capable of harming others. Those close to me are targets. Even if I don't intend it. For that, if nothing else, I hate myself. Intensely. Immensely."

She blinked, her voice growing softer. "It's okay. It's fine. I'm stronger than this and I'm going to focus on survival, grit my teeth and endure the pain while I wait for another day. Another chance to fuck it all up waits in the wings, after all. Oh boy, oh boy! You got this, Kase. Put on your red shoes and dance the blues. Dance like nobody's watching because it's probably true anyhow."

And with that, the view faded to black.



After an unbelievably long, hot shower, Kasey felt slightly better and now she stood in the doorway of the bedroom, watching her fiancé for a few minutes. His eyes were fixed on the TV but it was pretty clear he was only pretending to watch it and that broke her heart all over again. "Vinny?" Her voice came out soft, timid and she lingered there on the threshold, almost holding her breath. "Can…" the words caught in her throat. She didn't want to say them because they were always the death knoll.

Vinny didn't know whether to be upset or angry, but what he did know he was lucky to have someone like Kasey. Although after recent events he was questioning whether she truly loved him. He turned to face her, doing the best he could to force out a smile to hide the hurt. A hurt in which he didn't know what warranted or just him being stupid. "What's up?" Vinny looked at her, still with a forced smile on his face.

Her stomach dropped like she was on a carnival ride – he'd never smiled like that before and the hurt was there in his eyes. "Uhm… you saw it, didn't you? The Twitter stuff?" Of course he did, dummy! She sighed, taking a few steps into the room before stopping again. "I think we should probably talk about what that means and…" she averted her eyes, fiddling with the damp braid over her shoulder.

Moving to the edge of the bed, Vinny sat on the edge of it. With what he was trying to prepare himself to say he just didn't have it in him to look at her. Not because he hated her but because he was hiding the tears. Dragging in a deep breath, he tried to keep the hurt out of his voice, failing miserably. "I understand, I guess I should start packing then?" He sniffed a little, trying to hide the fact that tears were streaming down his face.

"What?" She stared at him in shock and confusion. "No." The room felt like it was closing in on her. "Vinny, no. That wasn't what I was gonna…" she felt like the absolute worst. He deserved better than someone like her. "What kinda person would I be if I just walked away from what we have? That would make me no better than-" she bit her lip rather than saying Akragth's name.

Finally looking up at Kasey, she could see how much it hurt him to say that. "No you're not Akragth. You're a beautiful woman inside and out. You're not only my future wife but my best friend and my soul mate." Vinny wiped the tears away from his face. "I didn't want to read too much into it because I trust you. I'm just scared I'm going to lose you." He stood up and looked at her for a long moment.

She whined softly, moving towards him and he met her halfway, pulling her in for a hug and just holding her in his arms. She felt everything inside her break like it wasn't even whole to start with. She shook. She grabbed him, holding on for dear life.

Please don't leave me.

"I don't want to," her words were muffled against his chest, "I don't wanna hurt you. Not ever a million years but seeing him was just…" once again, words failed her. She wanted to tell him that she knew she still loved Ak but the emotions were too mixed up, the reopened wound too fresh to even focus on the ache. "I didn't think. I didn't even stop to consider you might see and everyone might see and how that might look and now probably everyone thinks I'm just this clingy, needy, crazy ex-girlfriend slut because I told people it was mutual and everything but it really, really never was. It just kinda all fell apart and he left and people always leave so I don't hate him for it. I should. I know I should. And I want to. But I…" she broke off into a sob, burying her face against his chest as she clung to him.

Holding her in his arms, he whispered three words into her ear. "I love you." Vinny sat Kasey down on the bed as he knelt in front of her, wiping her tears away. "He broke your heart but you loved him, so of course you won't hate him, even if you should." Vinny let out a deep sigh. "Please, whatever you do, never refer to yourself as a slut. You're not and I'd rip anyone's head off who says you're." Taking her hands in his, he smiled at her. This one was genuine. "Even when you cry and smudge your makeup you look beautiful, my little Panda." Vinny kissed her on her forehead. "Together we'll get through this. I don't want to lose you and one day hope for you to be my wife. I will cry when I say how beautiful you look on our wedding day, though." Once again he smiled at her.

"You're too good for me," she sniffled, "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of this."

Vinny kissed her hand. "Stop that silly talk. You deserve nothing but happiness and I promise that's just what you'll have."

"I want that." She looked up at him, her eyes almost aqua with tears, beautiful even though she had smudges of makeup underneath. "So bad. I really do. Just for once, I want to be able to breathe and be happy and know it isn't all gonna come crashing down around my ears."

Vinny sat on the bed beside her. "Next time I think we should just talk to each other. We would have sorted this out sooner, you and I." He put his arm around her. "How about we cheer ourselves up by pigging out on ice cream; what do you say, beautiful?"

"I say… I love you." She leaned her head against his shoulder, trying to swallow back the fear and doubts clawing at her insides, "and t-thank you. For trusting me."